


I'll Explain the Infinite

by supersapphics



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Immortal Husbands, Immortality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 07:10:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16363262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersapphics/pseuds/supersapphics
Summary: Alec has a nightmare about his own mortality and decides to do whatever he can to prevent it from coming true.





	I'll Explain the Infinite

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, this isn't the first fic I've ever written, but this is the first I've ever posted on AO3.
> 
> I usually just write little dabbles for fun and keep them to myself, but the other day I mentioned this fic on Twitter and my friend Mara expressed an interest in reading it, and since today is Mara's birthday and she's the loveliest and the sweetest, I decided to post it here for her. Happy birthday sweetie, I hope you like this!
> 
> The title is from "Saturn" by Sleeping at Last because it's my all-time fave song and of course if I were ever going to post a fic somewhere, I'd have to use this song.

As a Shadowhunter, Alec has always readily accepted the possibility of an early death. It’s normal, considering how they live their lives, and more than that, it’s always been drilled into him that dying in the service of the Clave would be the highest of honors. "‘Beloved servant?' Who wants that on their headstone?" he remembers Clary asking once. "Someone who is in service to a cause greater than themselves," Alec had responded.

  
He still believes that – he doesn’t agree with the Clave on much, but protecting the world from demons is something he’ll always consider important. Lately, though, he’s been thinking that he’d like to avoid that honorable death as long as possible – so he can spend as much of his life with Magnus as possible.

  
Magnus. Every time Alec thinks about him, he feels pure happiness and contentment radiate throughout his entire being. Magnus, who is so beautiful that he takes Alec’s breath away every time he sees him. Magnus, who’s generous and gentle and kind, funny, charming, clever. Who sings under his breath while he creates potions and while he applies his makeup. Who dances around the room for no reason other than that he can. Who smiles every time he looks at Alec, who still makes Alec shiver every time he touches him. That’s not something he wants to lose anytime soon. Or ever, actually.

  
"Do I have something on my face?" Magnus asks, snapping Alec out of his thoughts.

  
"Hmm?"

  
"It’s just, you’ve been staring at me for about two minutes straight."

  
"I never do anything straight," Alec mumbles, causing Magnus to chuckle and give him a fond look that makes Alec feel warm all over.

  
"I was actually thinking about how much I love you," Alec says, which is 100% the truth, but he still hears the hitch in Magnus' breath. Even after all this time, he still reacts that way whenever Alec compliments him, even though Alec makes it a point to compliment him as often as possible.

  
"Flattery will get you everywhere," Magnus murmurs. But then he seems to catch sight of the time out of the corner of his eye. "But, darling, can this flattery be…postponed? I have to get ready for a meeting with a client, and you know how I like to take my time when I…flatter you."

  
Alec flushes at what his boyfriend is implying. "You do.“ He glances at the clock as well. "I have to get going too. See you tonight?" He stands up and walks over to Magnus to kiss him goodbye.

"I’ll be counting down the seconds," Magnus replies, and well, after that, Alec obviously has to kiss him again.

 

****************************** 

 

That night, Alec has a dream. In it, he’s lying in this very bed, but he’s older – much, much older. Magnus is sitting next to him, looking as youthful as ever, as he holds Alec’s hand and smiles down at him. Alec smiles back at him and whispers, "I love you."

  
"I love you too, darling," Magnus murmurs. "More than anything."

  
Alec squeezes Magnus' hand inside of his and smiles at him one more time before his eyes start to slip shut. The entire time Magnus keeps smiling, as if he doesn’t want Alec to see anything else before his eyes close.

  
Once Alec’s eyes are shut, Magnus' smile falls instantly. His grip on Alec’s hand tightens, but Alec doesn’t respond. He can’t. Magnus' shoulders begin to shake, and Alec – not the version of himself on the bed, but the real Alec, who’s aware he’s dreaming and feels as if he’s watching the entire scene from afar – is horrified to realize that Magnus is crying. He’s sobbing, his entire body shuddering from the force of it. As Alec continues to watch, stricken, Magnus picks up the other Alec’s lifeless land and presses a kiss to it. "More than anything, my darling," Alec can hear him whispering, over and over.

  
Abruptly, Alec jerks awake. His chest is heaving with the force of his ragged breathing, and he’s covered in a fine sheen of sweat. That hadn’t been a dream, it had been a nightmare – but it had still felt eerily real. That’s their future, he realizes. Even if he’s lucky enough to reach such an age, he’s still going to die, and leave Magnus behind to deal with his grief alone.

"Alexander?" Magnus stirs, woken by Alec’s sudden movement. "Everything all right?"

  
"Fine," Alec says quietly. He hesitates, debating whether he should tell Magnus about the nightmare. After the whole fiasco with the Soul Sword, the two of them had decided to always be honest with one another, even about little things like doubts and insecurities. It’s only been a few months since then, but so far they’ve been doing pretty well.

  
This, however…this is the one discussion they’ve always avoided, merely glossed over, because they have no real solution, not yet, and it’s simply too painful. Alec’s pulse is still racing from the scene in his nightmare: Magnus' wrecked, devastated sobs, his tight grip on Alec’s hand, like he’d been terrified of what would happen if he let go. Alec needs to think about this, to try to come up with a solution, before he brings it up with Magnus.

  
"I’m fine," he repeats. "Just a nightmare."

  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Magnus asks, reaching out and finding Alec’s hand in the dark.

  
Alec hesitates again, but no, he can’t do that to Magnus. Not now, especially when Magnus very obviously yawns – he tries to hide it in Alec’s shoulder, but not very successfully. Alec feels another surge of affection for his boyfriend, that Magnus is always here for him, always prepared to help him or support him however he can, even when he’s clearly exhausted.

  
"No, that’s ok. It was just a dream, nothing serious. I just want to go back to sleep." It’s dark enough in the room that Alec can’t make out much of Magnus' features, but he can see well enough to lean forward and press a soft, tiny kiss to Magnus‘ nose. Magnus makes a happy, surprised noise in response and pulls Alec down to lay next to him. Alec rolls them over so that he’s curled around Magnus, their legs tangled together and Alec’s face tucked into Magnus' neck. He breathes in deeply, inhaling Magnus‘ scent and feeling himself calm down by the second.

  
Magnus has absolutely melted in his embrace. Within seconds, he’s asleep again. Alec lies awake for a little while longer, listening to Magnus' breathing and promising himself that, no matter what he has to do, he will find a way to prevent his nightmare from coming true. Finally, he sinks back into sleep himself.

 

**********************

It’s not like he’s never worried about how his death would affect other people besides Magnus – his family, for instance. After close calls during battle, he had sometimes seen Isabelle’s face flash before his eyes, imagining her crying at his funeral and feeling his heart ache in response. But, at the risk of sounding macabre, it’s just as likely that his family will die young as well – and even if they don’t, eventually they will all be gone one day as well. They will mourn him when he dies, yes, but they won’t have to do it forever. Magnus, however, will. He’ll live forever, and he’ll have to suffer Alec’s absence for eternity.

  
A part of Alec worries he’s being arrogant, thinking that Magnus will really mourn him for all of time. Surely Magnus would eventually move on and fall in love with other people. Alec wants that for him, even though he knows no one could ever love Magnus the way he does, but he doesn’t want Magnus to be lonely or miserable. But then Alec imagines what it would like if the situation were reversed – if he were the immortal one. He might eventually be able to open his heart again, but he knows, with absolute certainty, that he would never, ever fully recover from Magnus‘ death. There would always be a gaping, open wound in his soul, impossible to heal, because Magnus dying would be like killing a part of Alec himself. He would be able to move on with his life, but he would never be able to move on from Magnus and how he loves him, now and forever.

  
Alec doesn’t want to insult Magnus or do him an disservice by thinking that Magnus doesn’t feel the same. How many times has Magnus told him, after all? Whispered it to him in between kisses, when they're wrapped up in each other, or at completely random moments throughout the day. At night before he falls asleep. "You’re the one, Alexander," Magnus says every time. "It’s you, always."

  
His mind flashes back to his nightmare, to the sound of Magnus' sobs, the way he’d stayed strong to the end, smiling at Alec so Alec could die peacefully and without feeling guilty. His heart aches. _I can’t do that to him_ , he thinks desperately. He hates the idea of hurting Magnus, even unintentionally, and he especially hates being the cause of Magnus' pain.

  
And it’s not just about Magnus, even though that’s about 95% of the driving force behind the situation. It’s about himself too, because the more time he spends with Magnus, the more he falls in love with him – and he falls more in love with Magnus every single day – the more convinced he becomes that he doesn’t want to leave him, for his own sake. He’d always been prepared to die an honorable death while protecting others – dying hadn’t really been an active wish for him, but he’d been prepared for it, was fine with it happening. Now, though, he has Magnus, and being with Magnus, loving him and making him happy, feels like it holds a higher sense of purpose. Maybe that’s selfish of him – it’s a very personal sense of purpose, after all, and benefits no one except the two of them. But he can’t help it. Ever since the moment he and Magnus met, he’d felt – _something_ – click into place, like his entire life had restarted itself and begun anew when their eyes met that first time. He can’t let that go, he just can’t.

  
So he begins researching. Magnus has multiple spellbooks and other ancient texts in the loft, but Alec can’t really use those, not without igniting Magnus‘ curiosity, and he doesn’t want to tell Magnus, not yet. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up, not until he can be sure.

  
He visits the Institute’s library, poring through huge, ancient, dusty books that obviously haven’t been touched in decades. He visits with various warlocks, asking for their opinions and advice. They’re, understandably, suspicious of him, reluctant to tell him anything he could use against them later. Finally, he goes to Catarina.

  
They don’t know each other very well. Magnus has invited her to the loft a few times, and she and Alec have talked before, but they’re still more accquaintances than friends. She’s obviously surprised when he shows up on her doorstep, but politely invites him in.

  
"I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here," Alec says, shifting nervously from foot to foot as they stand in the foyer.

  
"Yes, but I’m sure you’ll tell me soon," Catarina says dryly, and that calms Alec down. He smiles tentatively at her and receives a smile in response. She gestures for him to follow her into the living room, where they sit down and Catarina pours tea.

  
"I have a favor to ask you," Alec begins. "It’s about Magnus."

  
"Is he all right?" Catarina asks, sitting up straight.

  
"He’s fine," says Alec hastily. "Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I just meant that I had a question. You see, a few days ago, I had a…I don’t know what it was. A nightmare, a premonition…but it was really awful. I was very old, and on my – my deathbed. Magnus was there with me, holding my hand." He pauses for a moment and notices Catarina watching him very, very carefully.

  
"After I…died, I was still aware of what was happening, and I saw Magnus crying. I’ve never seen him in so much pain before. And ever since then, I can’t get the image of it out of my head. I keep seeing it, over and over, and knowing that I’m the one who caused Magnus that pain, it’s unbearable. So I was thinking, if there’s a way to – to make myself immortal, like a spell or something, would you be willing to help me?"

  
There’s complete silence after he finishes speaking. Catarina just stares at him, seemingly at a loss for words. Feeling jittery again, Alec grabs his bag from the floor and pulls out the book he’d "borrowed" from the Institute library. "I think I may have found something. It’s not in English, though, and I only recognize some of the words from my studies, so I was hoping you could help me translate the rest of it. And tell me if the spell’s even possible."

  
Catarina is still staring at him like she can’t comprehend a word he’s saying. Alec waits, impatient but forcing himself to remain calm. Finally, Catarina looks down at the book, then back up at Alec and asks, her voice hoarse, "You want to become immortal? To be with Magnus?"

  
"Yes," says Alec firmly. He’s not sure what’s so surprising about this. All the other warlocks he’d talked to had been skeptical as well, but he has no idea why.

  
"Alec, you do understand what you’re asking, don’t you? Being immortal, it can be rough. Are you sure –"

 

" _Yes_ ," Alec interrupts, not bothering to hide his irritation this time. "I love him and I want to be with him forever. I need to."

 

Catarina is still staring at him in amazement. "You really do love him, don’t you," she murmurs. It’s not a question.

 

"More than anything," Alec replies, echoing what Magnus had said to him in his dream, vision, whatever.

 

Catarina shakes her head slightly, but holds out her hand for the book. "All right then, let’s see what we’re dealing with."

 

She sends him away after a couple hours, explaining that it will take her awhile to decipher the text and determine if it’s legitimate. Alec asks her to text him whenever she’s done, day or night. She looks up from the tome to give him an unimpressed look.

  
"Sorry," Alec says. "I really appreciate you doing this. I’m just…" He trails off, trying to put into words how he’s feeling right now. "Desperate," he concludes, and what he means is, _Desperate to make Magnus happy, to be happy with him_. He doesn’t say it, but he doesn’t think he needs to; when he looks up again, Catarina is staring at him with a small smile on her face.

  
"Well, first of all, I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it because Magnus is one of my closest and dearest friends, and I’ll do whatever I can to make him happy. And you seem to do that for him, so."

Then she surprises him by adding, "You’re really good for him. I can’t remember the last time I saw him like this…if ever."

  
He smiles back, pleased that he has her approval. "Thanks," he says softly, and then, before he leaves, he looks at her and says once again, "Thank you." He knows he doesn’t need to, she’s already told him she’s not doing this for him, but he’s still grateful. She looks surprised but smiles at him again before making a shooing motion with her fingers.

  
He leaves and returns to the loft. It’s a Saturday afternoon in April, and he’d taken the day off to visit Catarina, even though there had been a mountain of paperwork on his desk waiting for him. But what was the point of being Head of the Institute if you couldn’t pass work onto your subordinates once in awhile?

  
Magnus had told him over breakfast that he had back-to-back clients all day and wouldn’t be back until evening, so Alec takes the opportunity to cook dinner. He’s not very good at it – the Institute had a cafeteria where he ate all of his meals growing up, so he’d never really had a reason to – but he’s been practicing lately, and he thinks he’s improving. There are a few basic meals that he’s decent at, at least, so he starts preparing it. He’s just setting the table when he hears a portal opening in the front hall, followed a few moments later by Magnus‘ footsteps. "Alexander?“

  
"In the dining room," Alec calls back. Magnus appears a second later, smiling when he sees the dishes on the table.

"You made dinner?"

  
"Yeah. Nothing fancy, but I thought you’d probably be hungry after using magic all day."

  
"You’re so good to me," Magnus says, still smiling. He steps close to press a kiss to Alec’s lips. He probably means it for it to be a quick, chaste peck, but Alec deepens it, raising one hand to curl around Magnus‘ neck. He rubs his thumb over one of the tendons there and Magnus moans a little into Alec’s mouth before pulling back.

  
"Correction: you’re very good to me. Please feel free to greet me like that on a daily basis."

  
"Noted," Alec murmurs, smiling and continuing to sweep his thumb up and down Magnus' soft skin. "How were your clients?"

  
Magnus makes a happy little humming noise in response to Alec’s touch. "Fine. Most of them were arrogant and annoying, but nothing too bad. And now the day’s over and I’m here with you, which is a definite improvement."

  
Alec just smiles and continues staring at him. He’s never felt more sure of his decision than he does right now, holding Magnus close and watching a grin spread over Magnus' face in response to his own smile.

  
"Why are you smiling at me like that?" Magnus asks softly.

  
"Just because I love you," Alec replies honestly, and watches Magnus' smile take up his whole face.

  
"I love you too, darling. And as much as I would love to show you exactly how much, I’m starving, so let’s eat first and then I’ll appreciate you later?"

  
Alec laughs and finally lets go of him. "Sounds like a great plan to me."

 

 ***************************

 

Catarina texts him a few days later, and Alec drops everything he’s doing to head over there.

  
"Here’s the English translation," she tells him, tucking a sheet of paper into the book. "Magnus will be able to perform it in the original Arabic, but I’ve reviewed the translation several times, and as far as I can tell, it’s perfectly legitimate."

  
Alec releases his breath slowly. "So you think it’ll work?"

  
"Yes, I do. The spell isn’t actually very complicated, so Magnus should be able to perform it himself. If not, I’m always available."

  
Alec accepts the book with slightly shaking hands. When he looks up again, Catarina is staring at him. Before he can ask, she says, "I don’t think it’ll be dangerous. I mean, I’ve never become immortal, I just always have been, but I don’t imagine that the – transformation will be particularly painful."

  
"That’s not why –" Alec forcibly stills his trembling. "I’m not scared. I’m sure about this. I know I’m young, both in general and in comparison to the two of you, but I know what I want, and that’s Magnus." He looks down at the cover of the book, at the ancient symbols engraved there. "I just, I just hope this will make Magnus happy. That’s all I want…“ He trails off, feeling a little embarrassed at pouring his heart out like this to someone he doesn’t know very well, but when he looks up, Catarina is smiling at him with something that seems very much like affection.

  
"It will," she assures him. "Magnus loves you so much. I know this because he’s told me, more than once. What you’re doing for him…it’s really incredible."

  
"It’s not just for me," Alec mumbles. "It’s not like I’m being altruistic here or anything. Part of it’s just me being selfish, because I love him and don’t want to be without him."

  
"And Magnus has been waiting his entire life – his considerably long life – for someone to love him that much," Catarina interrupts. "Go home, Alec. Talk to him and you’ll see."

  
Alec exhales slowly and tucks the book into his bag. "Thank you,“ he tells her. "I don’t know how to repay you –" He reaches into his bag again, hoping that what he’s brought with him will be enough, but she waves her hand dismissively.

  
"Put that away. I did this for a friend, I don’t need payment."

  
Alec doesn’t want to insult her by insisting, so he does as she says. Luckily, she doesn’t seem too offended. "Thanks," he says simply. "I’m gonna – gonna go home to Magnus now."

  
"You do that," she says, smiling. Alec gives her one last smile and leaves. On the subway back to the loft, he finds himself obsessively reading the English translation of the spell over and over again, and practicing what he’s going to say, needing it to be as perfect as he can manage, because that’s what Magnus deserves. When he steps inside the apartment, his thoughts are immediately derailed by the sight of Magnus cleaning.

  
Except Magnus isn’t cleaning normally – he’s magically directing a dust cloth, a broom, and a mop around the room. He has his back to Alec and is humming under his breath as he works. Alec just stands and watches him for a few moments, feeling like his heart is about to burst out of his chest with the sudden surge of affection he’s feeling for his boyfriend. The scene before him looks like something right out of Sleeping Beauty, a movie he and Izzy had loved as kids because of the dragon.

  
Magnus turns around then, sees Alec, and immediately stops what he’s doing so he can skip forward and press a soft, chase kiss to his lips. "Welcome back, darling," he murmurs.

  
Alec grins at him. "You could’ve actually cleaned by hand, or just snapped your fingers and made the place instantly clean. But instead you did this. You’re incredible."

  
"Well, I was bored without you here," says Magnus with a shrug. "I don’t have any clients today and you said you were going to be at the Institute all day. I did briefly consider cleaning by hand, but…" He lifts one hand from Alec’s shoulder to show him his nails. "I just painted these."

  
"I love you," Alec says, smiling and leaning in for another kiss.

  
"I love you too," Magnus replies when they pull back. "And not that I’m complaining, but what are you doing back so early? I thought you had to receive some important diplomats from Idris and that was going to keep you busy all afternoon."

  
"Well…not exactly." Alec gestures at the couch. "Sit down and I’ll tell you all about it."

  
"Ok," Magnus replies, casting an curious glance at Alec’s bag but remaining silent as he takes a seat.

  
Alec sits next to him and opens his bag to pull out the book. "I wasn’t actually at the Institute today. I was at Catarina’s, to pick up this text she translated for me."

  
Magnus raises an eyebrow when he hears his friend’s name but says nothing as he accepts the book from Alec, instead waiting patiently for Alec to explain.

  
"This book…well, it’s probably a copy of a copy, etc., but the original text is pretty ancient. Like, biblical times ancient. I found it in the Institute a few days ago and was able to recognize a few of the words, but I needed Catarina’s expertise for most of it. It’s…well, it’s essentially instructions on how to summon an angel.”

  
Magnus, who had been examining the book curiously, suddenly snaps his head up to look at Alec incredulously. "An angel? Alexander, why –"

  
"Well, Shadowhunter lore usually only focuses on summoning one angel, Raziel, and asking for the one wish. But Clary already used that wish, and besides, the Mortal Instruments are under such tight security since Valentine that I’d never be able to get my hands on them anyway." Alec is aware that he’s rambling, practically tripping over his own words as he speaks quickly, like it will make it easier for Magnus to understand if he hears everything at a more rapid pace.

  
“Oh…kay?“ Magnus drags the word out uncertaintly; it’s clear that he wants to support Alec, he just doesn’t know what he’s being supportive of.

  
"But Raziel isn’t the only angel," Alec says. "There are plenty of others, and according to this book, they’re all capable of granting you a wish."

  
Some of the confusion clears from Magnus‘ face. "Is that all? Darling, you don’t need an angel for that. You know all you have to do is ask, and I’ll get it for you." He speaks so simply, so matter-of-factly, like Alec could really could walk up to him one day and casually ask for the entire world. He suddenly remembers a line from a movie Magnus had shown him last Christmas. Despite the occasional Disney film when they were children, Alec and his siblings hadn’t grown up watching very many movies, and he can still remember the shocked, almost scandalized expression on Magnus‘ face when Magnus had cheerfully announced that it was time for a Christmas tradition, _It’s A Wonderful Life_ , and Alec’s response had been to ask curiously, "What is that? A movie?"

  
Magnus had practically shoved Alec onto the couch after that, muttering to himself about what is _wrong_ with Shadowhunter parents and _heathens_ , the whole lot of them, as he’d started the movie up. And now, a certain scene from the movie is now playing in Alec’s head: _What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down._ That’s Magnus, Alec thinks, staring at him with his heart full. Alec knows, without a doubt, that he could ask Magnus for absolutely anything, even something as ridiculous as the moon, and Magnus wouldn’t even hesitate, wouldn’t even stop to double-check that Alec was being serious. Magnus would just do it, simply because Alec had asked.

  
Except that Magnus can’t do this on his own, at least not without assistance from this spell. So Alec reaches for Magnus' hands and holds them in his own as he explains the final piece: "I want to summon an angel so I can ask them to make me immortal. That’s my wish. To be immortal and to be with you forever."

  
For several seconds Magnus just stares at Alec blankly, clearly waiting for the punchline to the joke. When Alec remains silent, however, Magnus‘ eyes widen and he looks down at the book in his lap incredulously. "Alexander, you – you can’t be serious."

  
"I am," Alec confirms. "Catarina translated the spell into English for me and confirmed its legitimacy. It’s fairly straightforward, she said. You could perform it right now."

  
Magnus is gaping at him now. "I…Alexander, no. Listen to me." He visibly forces himself under control before reaching up and cupping Alec’s cheek in his hand. "Darling," he murmurs then, his voice soft, his expression tender as he strokes his thumb gently across Alec’s skin. "Please believe me, I truly appreciate this gesture, but – it’s unnecessary. You don’t have to do this for me. I could never ask it of you –"

"You’re not asking," Alec interrupts, "I’m offering. Because I want this, Magnus, I –"

"Being immortal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be," Magnus cuts in. "It’s not nearly as glamorous as most people think. Have you thought about your family, Alec? About what this would do to them? Or what it would do to you to lose them? I apologize for being so harsh, but I just don’t think you’ve thought this all the way through."

Alec lowers his gaze to the book in Magnus‘ lap. "I have," he says quietly. "And if you want me to be completely honest with you, then yeah, it’s been difficult to think about. I won’t lie to you and say that it won’t be – agonizing.“ He swallows hard and looks back up at Magnus. "In fact, I know that I can’t even begin to imagine what it actually will be like. I can’t possibly comprehend what it’s been like for you all these years. But, Magnus…“ He shakes his head, his gaze locked on the man before him, the beautiful, incredible man he loves, who currently has tears glistening in his eyes. "The idea of being separated from you, of having to leave you behind, knowing that I’ve caused you pain…I’ve imagined our situations reversed, imagined what it would be like if it was you who left me behind, and – and 'agonizing' doesn’t even begin to cover it. There isn’t a word in existence to describe how that would feel."

  
Magnus sobs outright at that – it’s quiet and quickly stifled, but it breaks Alec’s heart nevertheless. He tips forward so that their foreheads are pressed together, his eyes slipping shut again as he continues speaking. "But we don’t have to go through that, Magnus. We could be together forever, in the absolute literal sense of the word. We’d never have to lose each other or say goodbye. If you let me, I want to love you for eternity. Will you let me, Magnus?"

  
He feels Magnus pulling away from him. Opening his eyes, he raises his head and sees Magnus staring at him, tears streaming freely down his face now. "No one’s ever…" he chokes out. "No one’s ever loved me like you do, Alexander. No one’s ever offered to make such a sacrifice for me before."

  
"It’s not a sacrifice," Alec replies instantly. "I want this, I want you."

  
Magnus shakes his head in obvious disbelief. "What about your job? The Clave would figure it out eventually and you know they’d be scared and incapable of understanding. They’d probably force you to step down, and I couldn’t do that to you, Alec, I know how much you love your job –"

  
"I do," Alec admits, "but even if that happens, it won’t change much. I’ll still be a Shadowhunter, and I’d still be able to protect people. And best of all, I’ll get to do it with you by my side. Forever."

  
Magnus' breath hitches. "Do you have any idea?" he whispers. "The magnitude of what you’re offering? The incredible gift that you are?" His voice is so tender. The way he’s looking at Alec is so warm, so intimate, that Alec can scarcely breathe.

  
"I just want to be with you," he manages to murmur. "For as long as I possibly can."

  
Magnus reaches for him. His sudden movement dislodges the book from his lap, causing it to drop to the floor, but neither of them spare it any attention. "You have me, until the end of time," he whispers, raising one hand to thumb away the tears that have spilled down Alec’s cheek without him noticing.

  
Alec moves forward, burying his face in Magnus‘ neck and wrapping his arms tightly around Magnus‘ body. "You’re everything I ever wanted," he breathes into Magnus' warm skin. "I can’t wait to spend eternity with you."

  
He feels Magnus' gentle fingers card through his hair, caress the back of his neck. "You’re everything I’ve been waiting for for the past four hundred years. And you were absolutely, completely worth the wait. I love you so much."

  
There’s something else Alec wants to say, something he can feel rising in his chest, desperate to get out. He debates with himself on whether he should really do it, because Magnus is still crying – Alec can feel the tears dripping onto his neck, as well as hear the small sniffling noises Magnus is still making occasionally – maybe it would overwhelm him, maybe he should wait…

  
But he doesn’t want to wait. He can’t wait. "Magnus?" he asks, and waits for Magnus' "mmm" before continuing.

  
"I don’t have a ring…" he begins, and immediately, Magnus' grip on his neck tightens. Alec waits, but Magnus remains silent, doesn’t move a muscle, so Alec continues.

  
"I don’t have a ring, but…I just said a lot of stuff about eternity earlier, and…I want to make that official. I don’t just want to be with you for eternity, I want to be married to you too." He stops when Magnus pulls away from him. He looks up, and his breath catches at the look on Magnus' face.

  
Magnus is staring at him like he’s a miracle, like he’s never seen anything more beautiful in his entire life. Alec has been on the receiving end of several similar looks before, but never a look quite as intense, as reverent, as this before. He feels the effects of that look like a physical touch, feels like he can’t breathe under the weight of it.

  
"You’re seriously proposing to me five minutes after you offered to become immortal for me? How are you even real, Alexander Lightwood?" And then, before Alec say anything in response, Magnus whispers, "This is the best day of my entire life."

  
Alec answers without words, instead moving forward to push Magnus onto his back and crawl on top of him. Magnus is propped up by the mound of pillows behind him and he immediately spreads his legs so Alec can settle in between them, their chests pressed together as Alec cups Magnus‘ face in his hands and pours everything he’s currently feeling into his kiss.

  
"After I get you a ring –" Alec says in between kisses, "I’ll give you a proper proposal, I promise."

  
"That’s not necessary, Alexander," Magnus sighs, "I’m quite fond of the proposal you already gave me."

  
"But what if I want to give you a proper proposal?" Alec counters. Magnus pulls away from him then and gives him another look, full of so much wonder and adoration that Alec feels goosebumps erupt all over.

  
"This day just keeps getting better and better," Magnus murmurs. "And here I thought nothing could top the day you told me you loved me for the first time."

  
Alec gives him an amused look. "Do you have, like, a list or something?" he teases, and is surprised when Magnus says seriously, "Yes. I mean, it’s not an official, laminated list, but a version of a list does exist in my head, yes."

  
"Let’s hear it then," says Alec once he recovers from the surprise.

  
Magnus smiles happily at him and rests one hand on Alec’s hip before starting. "Well, the day we first met, for starters. I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. I could scarcely believe that someone so gorgeous could even exist.“ He winks at Alec here and Alec flushes. They’ve been together for seven months now and Alec still reacts like this whenever Magnus compliments him, he can’t help it. Although Magnus certainly doesn’t seem to mind, if the way he’s staring up at Alec is anything to go by.

  
"The day of our first kiss is also on the list. I was so scared when I showed up at your wedding, I had no idea how you were going to react, but I’m so grateful that I did show up, because I wound up loving the way you reacted."

  
"I’m really grateful you showed up too," Alec tells him. "You saved my life that day. If you hadn’t shown up, I don’t know if I ever would’ve been brave enough to – to do anything, and I might still be trapped, if it weren’t for you."

  
Magnus shakes his head. "You saved yourself, darling. I just gave you a little nudge, but you took the important steps all on your own."

  
"I’m still grateful," Alec says softly. "Because those steps led me right to you, the best choice I’ve ever made." He leans in, gently brushing their noses together before pressing a soft kiss to Magnus‘ lips. He hears Magnus exhale shakily, feels him tremble slightly as they kiss.

  
"The first time we were together," Magnus continues a few minutes later, and Alec looks up at him, surprised, not having expected that. Their first time together was incredible for him, and at the time Magnus had certainly seemed to enjoy it too, but there have been so many times since then, since Alec has actually learned what he’s doing, that he would say were significantly better.

  
"It’s not because of that. Well, not _just_ because of that." Magnus squeezes Alec’s hip reassuringly. "It’s because it was an experience where we both made ourselves completely vulnerable, but…it didn’t feel frightening. It felt freeing, like a weight being lifted. I think that’s the day I fell in love with you."

  
Alec has to kiss him for that, and for awhile they lose themselves in each other, just kissing, hands sliding over each other’s clothed bodies. It’s unrushed, no urgency, just a steady, reassuring sense of peace and comfort.

  
"Do you have a list?" Magnus asks teasingly when they finally part.

  
Alec thinks about it, tries to find particular memories that stand out in his mind for him, but he can’t. He looks at Magnus and can only see how his life – everything about it, from his daily experiences, to his understanding of himself – has only become richer, stronger, more meaningful since the first time he saw Magnus walking toward him. He shakes his head slowly. "Every day. I mean, not every day has been perfect, but – even on the days where we were arguing or upset with each other, my life was better just from having you in it."

  
"Alexander," Magnus says, his voice breaking, and pulls Alec down on top of him, their mouths meeting in another kiss. They don’t leave the couch for a long time after that, and when they do, it’s only to stumble into the bedroom and continue what they were doing. Alec may not be interested in keeping an official list, but if he were, today would definitely be at the top.

 

 


End file.
